Posts Tagged ‘Gaming’

Rolling for Initiative

Posted: March 26, 2014 in General
Tags: , , ,

Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve returned to the blogosphere after a long hiatus with a [3 Months Late] New Year’s Resolution to write more and, in the process, try to gain a support group of strangers on the internet. I need this support group of strangers on the internet for a quest I am about to embark upon: The Journey to Becoming a Better Person and Less of a Douchebag.

I’ll wait for the eye rolls and “Ha, I give this a month or less,” comments.
Done? Cool. Let us begin.

As I approach my 30th birthday in June, I start to look mortality in the eye. Now, most would say that it’s a bit early to be doing that sort of thing. However, when you’ve been an extremely lazy excuse maker, with depression and anxiety, for the better part of those years it’s never too early to look at yourself and realize that you don’t want the next 30 to be wasted the same way the first 30, more or less, has.

I’ll begin by being open and blunt about where I am. I am extremely ruled by my emotions and ruled like a tyranical king by years and years of ingrained habits that are nowhere near healthy. From anger issues to crippling anxiety I’m just a mess of a person, really. Allow me to elaborate on my most frustrating habit as an example.

Here’s your tiny door, just throw that thing onto the back of my skull and let’s take a trip into my brain, shall we?

When I wake up in the morning my mind is immediately filled with things I should get out of bed and do. Writing I need to do, Books I want to read, Games I want to play, television I should get caught up on, hobbies I should practice; the list goes on. For the better part of my life, it’s been the same; I lay there and go over all this before rolling back over, saying I’ll do it later, and then going back to sleep. The only things that eventually force me out of bed are my job or something I can’t avoid. It’s like there’s these invisible depression arms coming up out of the bed, Nightmare on Elm Street style, and just not letting me go. Except instead of pulling me into the bed and killing me, they stroke my head and rock me back to sleep; all the while whispering in my ear that I can just do that stuff tomorrow.

Don’t ask me how hands can whisper, this analogy (Johnny Depp references aside) is creepy enough already.

From what I’ve read and what my therapist has told me, this is normal for someone who suffers from depression. Many people deal with this motivation destruction every day and it’s honestly comforting just to know that I’m not alone. There have even been many celebrities on twitter or social media with these same problems and they frequently use the helpful term “Depression Lies” when talking about their problems. This is something I try to tell myself whenever it gets really bad. It is a phrase that has helped pull me out of bed or motivated me when those Freddy Kruger Depression Arms are trying real hard to keep me down. Those are the days that help me get up again and again because it just feels good to beat this thing, even if it’s only for a single day.

The good news is that with a combination of support from my amazing fiancée, my family and some actual medical help I’m on my way to finally beating this thing called mental illness. I hit rock bottom last year and I’ve had to climb out of that hole since. I’m going to really try hard to beat this thing and be a better person to everyone in my life. So everyone reading this crazy thing I want you to hold me accountable for the decisions and mistakes I may make as I stumble my way through this year. This blog is just one of the many constant goals I want to keep up with. More writing is what this guy needs.

While you all help me with that I’ll be trying to keep you entertained with my ramblings about video gaming, tabletop gaming, wrasslin’, life and other various musings.

So let’s go on an adventure together, shall we? HUZZAH!